i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
