he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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