Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I forgot wine drunk hurts
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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