ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
