Got a toothbrush?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
