I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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