just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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