Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My feet surprised me
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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