If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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