Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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