I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
