When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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