Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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