just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize