Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
