And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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