having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
