In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
