i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
