my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
