new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
