Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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