if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
