What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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