I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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