Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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