3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
This is classic penis vs brain.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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