At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
