I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
