Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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