fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
