Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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