So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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