How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
