You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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