I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
