dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
