I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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