if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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