just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
