he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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