whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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