Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's official drugs can't kill me
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize