I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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