The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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