I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
