a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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