I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
