I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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