$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
