I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
