My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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