Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
