K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
