now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize