Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
