That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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