shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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