I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
