have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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