Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
